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Jewish jokes

1. A Jew gets to heaven after passing and meets god. The Jew tells god a Holocaust joke, but god doesn't laugh. The Jew shrugs and says, "I guess you had to be there to understand".
 or
Me: "Man, I am so well rested."
Friend: "How well did you sleep?"
Me: "Like God during the holocaust"
or 
Hitler goes to a fortune teller and asks her what day he'll die. The fortune teller says "You will die on a Jewish holiday." Hitler says angrily, "Which holiday is that?" The fortuneteller smiles and says "Any day you die will be a Jewish holiday day".
or
An old Jew is dying, all the family gathered at his bed and he says he's got a one, final wish: a two sugar tea. The oldest son wonders why with two sugars and the old Jew replies: because at home I always had with one, when visiting others with three but I like tea with two sugars.

 2.  On his deathbed an old jew says yo his wife:
Oh, Sarah, when the shop burned down you were right beside me, no? - Sure I was, Moshe.
When the Nazis drove us out of our beloved Deutschland you were beside me again, no? - I was, Moshe.
And now you're at my death bed, aren't you? - I am, darling.
I'm starting to think you're bad luck, Sarah.
or
-You know, everybody thinks that I have a lot of money, but I lost it all at the casino. My only possession is hidden in a small box under my mattress. Can you get it please?
The wife does as she is told and the old man takes out a beautiful golden watch from the box.
-My love, this watch has been with my family for over 10 generations. It's worth a fortune, but I didn't want to exchange it for money. But now that I am leaving this word penniless... I'll sell it to you for a good price.
or 
On his death bed an old jew is surrounded by his family. For his eyesight has weakened he asks:
„Moshe, are you here?“, who responds: „yes, father.“
„And Sarah, are you here?“ „of course, father.“
„And are you here, Ishmael?“ „sure, father.“
„And most of all, are you here, Rebecca?“ „Yes, yes, I am here, Jakob.“
„Then who the fuck is down in the store!?“
 
 3. An old jew has been praying all his life for god to help him win the lottery. Eventually, god got weary of his prayers:
"Moshe, I've been listening to your prayers all these years and I can't take it anymore. I want you to win the lottery, but can you help me out and please buy at least one lottery ticket!"

4. A Jewish man with an erection walked into a brick wall. He broke his nose.

5.  Burglars broke into an old Jew's house. " We've heard you have 100 kg of pure gold. Give it to us right now!" " And 102 kg would be ok?" " Sure" " Sarah, my sweetheart, come here. They came for you!"

6.  An old Jewish man is at a restaurant with a friend. He orders the soup, and a few minutes later the waiter brings it out. The old man raises his hand and waves the waiter back to the table.
Old man: excuse me, waiter?
Waiter: yes sir?
Old man: I have a problem.
Waiter: I'm sorry, what is the problem?
Old Man: Taste the soup.
W: If there is a problem with the soup I'll be happy to bring you a new bowl.
OM: just... just taste it.
W: that's really not necessary sir, I believe you, just tell me what's wrong.
OM: I'm telling you, just taste the soup!
W: I'm not allowed sir, shall I bring you a new bowl.
OM: Will you just taste the damn soup?
W: I really shouldn't sir, I'll just bring you a new bowl.
OM: JUST TASTE THE DAMN SOUP!!!
W: ALRIGHT!!! Fine, I'll taste the soup... Where's the spoon?
OM: Ahaaaaaa!

8. A Nazi walks into a bar, looks around, and notices an older orthodox Jewish man seated at a nearby table. Barman, he says, "A round on me, for all your patrons, but not for the old Jewish geezer right there."
As everyone in the bar receives their drinks, he looks directly at the Jew with a nasty little smile. Surprisingly the Jew nods his head and sends a warm smile back. The Nazi is somewhat miffed, as this was not the reaction he expected. So he goes back to the bar
"Barman, a second round for everyone but him, and this time take it all from the top shelf" Nazi looks again at the Jew, and notices that he is STILL smiling back, and even warmer than before! "Is that Jew a complete fool or what?" he asks the barman Bartender responds: "Oh no my generous friend, that gentleman is my boss and the owner of the bar".

9. A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while. Eventually he returns home and he is now a Christian. The man finds this to be odd and mentions it to his friend.
The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, "That's odd. I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian." So the two of them went to see the Rabbi.
They told the Rabbi the story of how they had both sent their sons to Israel as Jews, and how both sons had returned as Christians. The Rabbi listened, thought for a minute and then said "That's odd. I also sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian."
So the three of them decide to go to Israel to find out what's going on over there. The arrive and go straight to the Western Wall to pray. They explain to God all about how they sent their sons to Israel as Jews and how the all returned as Christians."
There is a long silence, and then God begins to speak saying, "That's odd . . . "


10. I for one find all these jokes offensive. I had relative die at Auschwitz.
He fell out of a guard tower.

If you enjoyed these jokes, maybe you want to read some soviet ones.

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