Soviet Jokes

There are many funny soviet jokes. Here are my top25 communist jokes that I found:

1. Zhukov angrily exits Stalin's office. In the corridor, he swears
- What a fucking cunt with a mustache!

NKVD's officer guarding the door noticed that and sai

- What did you say, comrade?

Zhukov said he had said nothing.

- Well, let's go back to comrade Stalin's office to talk about it.

So they went to the office and the NKVD officer reports:

- Comrade Stalin, while being on duty I overheard that Marshal Zhukov said "What a fucking cunt with a mustache!"

Stalin looked at Zhukov, and asked

- Whom did you have in mind, comrade?

Zhukov responded immediately

- What do you mean, Hitler, of course!

Then Stalin looked at NKVD officer:

- And you, comrade, whom did you have in mind?

2. "Good news, comrade, your application for a car has been approved! Your brand new Zhighuli will be delivered 10 years, 8 months, and 26 days from today!", says the party officer to the citizen.

"Is this going to be in the morning, or in the afternoon?", replies the citizen.

"What difference does it make?"

"It's because in the morning the plumber will come".

3. "Radio Yerevan, is there meat in Yerevan?"

"Yes, there is meat in Yerevan."

"Radio Yerevan, will there be meat in Stalingrad."

"Yes, there will be meat in Stalingrad."

"Radio Yerevan, will there be a meat in Moscow?"

"Yes, there will be, the exhibition is a traveling one."

4.  we had two TV channels, one that spouted only government propaganda and on channel two we had a KGB agent who told you to switch the channel.

5. Why does the sun always smile at evening ? Because he knows he is going to west for the night.

6. Q on Yerevan Radio: where is Capitalism?

A: On the brink of the precipise, looking into the abyss!

Q: And Communism?

A: Always one step ahead!

7. Q: What's a zebra?

A: A horse that told political jokes.

8. Question: "Is it true that our poet Mayakovsky commited suicide?"

Radio Yerevan: "Yes, and we even know his final words: 'Don't shoot, comrades!'"

9. Question: "Could the consequences of the Chernobyl disaster have been alleviated?"
Radio Yerevan: "In principle yes, had the Swedes not told everyone."

10. How was work in USSR? Workers pretend to work and the state pretend to pay.

11. Ivan was driving across Russia. He was getting tired, it was late night and the end was nowhere near, so he decided to spend a night somewhere and continue early morning. He stopped in a hotel and asked a receptionist if there were any free rooms. "Unfortunetelly, there aren't any", she said, "but we can offer you a bed in a room with five other people". Ivan, seeing no other options, agreed.

When he entered the room, he saw five men sitting by a table, drinking, playing cards and telling each other political jokes. Ivan tried to sleep, but they were too loud. Then he had an idea. He sneaked out of the room, went downstairs to the receptionist and asked her to bring a cup of tea to his room. When he returned to his room, his roommates continued what they did earlier - drinking, playing cards and telling political jokes. Ivan walked to them and told: "Gentlemen, I think you should be a bit more careful with these jokes". He looked at the ceiling lamp, smiled and said: "Comerade Lieutenant, could can I have a cup of tea?".

A moment later, a receptionist walked into the room with a cup of tea. The roommates looked at each other in shock, turned off the light and quickly went to their beds. Ivan fell asleep smugly.

When he waked up early in the morning, the room was empty. Ivan walked downstairs and asked the receptionist what happened. "KGB arrived at night and arrested them" she answered. "But why they didn't take me?" Asked Ivan. The receptionist replied: "Comerade Lieutenant really enjoyed your joke".

12. Soviet Estonian hotels were built from a special material named micro-concrete. It was 50% concrete and 50% microphones.

13. Under the totalitarian regime, Czech archeologists dug up two skeletons and found out that they were Cyril and Methodius. But then they did not know which one was which. So they sent both skeletons to the Soviet Union for specialist tests. A month later the samples came back reduced to dust in two little boxes. A label on one of the boxes said “This one is Cyril. We got the confession.”

14. Everyone wants to show off while traveling abroad. A Swede normally drives a Saab, but when he goes abroad, he drives an Audi. A German normally drives a Volkswagen, but when he goes abroad, he drives a Mercedes-Benz. A Russian normally drives a Lada, but when he goes abroad, he drives a tank.

15. Quiz:

"Do you like the USSR?"

A: Yes - 2 points

B: No - 2 years

16. The TASS news agency report: A group of Chinese tanks attacked a peacefully plowing Soviet tractor at the Chinese-Soviet border. The tractor returned fire and after resolving the conflict flew back to the base.

17. Questionnaire:

1. Who is your favorite historical hero?
2. Why Lenin?

18. Chelyabinsk to Moscow: Send us food.

Moscow: No food. Tighten your belts.

Chelyabinsk: Ok, send us belts.

19. How did the snake break its back? It tried to follow the party line.

20. Stalin reads his report to the Party Congress. Suddenly someone sneezes. "Who sneezed?" Silence. "First row! On your feet! Shoot them!" They are shot, and he asks again, "Who sneezed, Comrades?" No answer. "Second row! On your feet! Shoot them!" They are shot too. "Well, who sneezed?" At last a sobbing cry resounds in the Congress Hall, "It was me! Me!" Stalin says, "Bless you, Comrade!" and resumes his speech.

21. Two men are being shipped to the Gulag. One asks

- Comrade, what's your sentence?

- Ten years of gulag!

- And what did you do?

- Nothing! I'm innocent! I did nothing!

- You're lying, comrade, the sentence for nothing is only five years.

22. Ceaușescu and his wife arrive in Beijing for a state visit. She trips over and the national television cameras record it. At the news, the report: ”Comrade Elena Ceaușescu has embraced the friendly Chinese earth, with comrade Nicolae Ceaușescu expressing his first Chinese words Dum fuk.

23. Q: What is the Securitate?

A: The Securitate is the heart of the party that beats, beats, beats, beats...

24. (When coffee disappeared, an ersatz brand called ”Nechezol appeared, containing only 10%-20% subpar coffee bits and 80%-90% other cereals.) Somebody telephones Radio Yerevan:

- Can you guess the future in Nechezol?
- In principle, yes, although no more than 20%.

25. A man enters a store:

- I want 5 grams of salami.
- Sir, are you mocking me?
- If I wanted to mock you, I would've asked it to be sliced.

You can also read Jewish jokes.